Dear Coffee, I am officially breaking up with you.
You and I have had our ups and downs, highs and lows, good and bad times, and now I am putting an end to this roller coaster. You secretly hid the fact that you were actually a burden rather than being helpful. You even drained my energy if we were only separated for short periods of time, and that’s not healthy. So this can’t continue.
Don’t try to talk me out of it. This has been a dysfunctional relationship for a long time and both of us know it. Maybe on a rare occasional morning in the future we can get together to catch up, but you will never mean the same to me. I now know that I can be happier without you entirely.
It may sound harsh to you, and don’t get me wrong, I will miss the ridiculously fast conversations and sporadic moments of enthusiasm we experienced together. But I know this will be harder on me than it will be for you, because pretending to get along with everyone was something you fake too well. I’m sure it will be easy for you to find someone new.
Sincerely, your ex-biggest fan. -Me